I often refuse myself from arguments drawn from the antics.  Never can I see the point of it.  Neither do I believe it is helpful.  It's like pulling both ends of the rope.  And you just end up breaking it.  Geez!  A minute ago is a part of our pasts.  Figure out years back of my life - that's like soo much of it.  I just can't get rid of it.  No one can.  It adds more to it as time flies.  Life, indeed is full of surpises.  You'll never know when the next episode of resurrection is.  It's a resurrection meant to kill you.  A way to inspire and mold is not in its nature.  How to withstand the moment is what it calls for and dares.  

There are certain things that we can never change.  It's either we live with it or forever strive to brush it off with too many "sigh's" as a sound of grief.  What's easier?  Or put it this way...  Learn to live with it by slowly brushing it off?  Crazy.  We live to grow.  Grow to bear.  Now bear what?  I'm trying to figure it out now.  And my mind journeys in two directions.

Now I know how it feels to be adhering to the worst, most cringe-inducing cliche. I can't even manage to type the whole phrase in here; just the thought shakes my reality enough.

It's unbelievable how I can immensely fear something which is supposed to be good in its very sense. I thought I was done with it-- that joyful-painful-satisfying-frustrating stage I had to inevitably experience. Done wanting it. Done working to keep up. Done struggling. But no, all it took for all the truth to come dawning back was an hour of listening and talking and baring my soul out. Whoever thought that, that one thing that makes me cry remains to be that one thing that makes cry? I even had to fake choking over lunch to cover up shedding tears.

Oh fart, matters of the heart. You can only guard it so much until it jumps out of you. You know what past hurts do? They make you not want to want things that you'll be forced to not want in the end because you're effin scared that it's not meant for you after all. Go decipher.

...happy birthday to you.

The past few days taught me so many things on every aspect of my life that made me go nuts yet gratified at the same time. It's true that at the end of the day, no matter how mind-boggling or frustrating or reality-slapping an experience is, there'd always be lessons that makes enduring it worthwhile. From all the emotional, spiritual, mental hodgepodges (forgive me for the censors and generality-- it's better not to draw fine lines here), I've learned that:

1. I am still the all-or-nothing kind of person. And that explains why I easily get frustrated over things. I can only give up or continue pushing myself. It's silly, if not immensely stupid to give up that one important aspect of my life, so I continue to struggle and cope, hoping that one day I'll be back on track. I know that things usually happen gradually and that big things start with little things, but my insatiable self just won't settle in gradual and little achievements after all my acts of neglect. I aim for the silver, get it, and still feel bleh because I didn't get the gold. It's crazy how my standards shoot up even before reaching a certain mark I initially set. Philosophically speaking, that's still a trace of pride. So I have to keep in mind what my friend told me: He is happy to see that you're sincerely doing your best. So yes. He's happy. And come to think of it, that's all I really want.

2. People, no matter how good or nice or understanding they seem, are capable of holding fallacious opinions about you especially if you don't agree on the same things. And that's okay. To hell with labeling. To each his own. 

Current Mood: blah

I remembered a line from my HS textbook that says, "each one has his/her own individuality".  Indeed.  I have felt for a time that I am below everyone.  Like, the thought that I'll never be better than anyone else.  I hate to put this to writing but just for the sake of having to express what's eating me makes it easier.  Thanks, LJ.

I swear I don't wanna tag myself being insecure.  But I guess I just have.  Thanks, Vincent.  You are such a true person.  I was like telling him all of my concerns.  OR should I say my so called"worries".

This is how it went..

Gizelle Lacson: wait
Gizelle Lacson: I got one Q
Vincent Vega: yeah?
Gizelle Lacson: plese be honest
Gizelle Lacson: please
Vincent Vega: surely of course
Gizelle Lacson: you think I'm fat?
Vincent Vega: of course not!
Vincent Vega: why who said u were fat???
Gizelle Lacson: sabi nia
Vincent Vega: of course not.. u ahve a nice bod kaya
Vincent Vega: SABI NIYA?
Gizelle Lacson: yep
Gizelle Lacson: sabi nia
Vincent Vega: hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Vincent Vega: ano siya BULAG?
Vincent Vega: hahahah
Vincent Vega: ur not fat dude..
Gizelle Lacson: di co nga lam what to do
Vincent Vega: but if it really bothers u... gym ka!
Vincent Vega: but ur nt fat
Gizelle Lacson: I don't feel fat naman, eh
Gizelle Lacson: asar nga, eh
Gizelle Lacson: wait
Vincent Vega: thats coz u arent..
Vincent Vega: what?
Gizelle Lacson: and you think I dress up too bad?
Vincent Vega: hmmmmmmmm
Gizelle Lacson: yun totoo
Vincent Vega: nope too..
Vincent Vega: u dress up fine
Vincent Vega: its not slutty
Gizelle Lacson: haha
Vincent Vega: not naman revealing
Vincent Vega: too much
Vincent Vega: steady lang no
Vincent Vega: normal..
Gizelle Lacson: wow. thanks
Vincent Vega: but sexy din
Vincent Vega: im serious...
Gizelle Lacson: thanks, dude
Gizelle Lacson: I think he wants to transform me
Vincent Vega: HAHAHAH
Gizelle Lacson: hahahha
Vincent Vega: TRANSFORM YOU? INTO A NUN??
Gizelle Lacson: haha
Vincent Vega: the biggest gift u can give me ghie....
Gizelle Lacson: I'm getting the impression that he would like me to have this sophisticated loo
Gizelle Lacson: *look
Gizelle Lacson: high heels and all that
Gizelle Lacson: I don't wanna do that
Vincent Vega: but going back... dont change for neone!
Vincent Vega: gets?
Gizelle Lacson: yeah
Gizelle Lacson: I know
Gizelle Lacson: thanks, Vincent
Vincent Vega: kelangan accept ka nya.. whole package
Gizelle Lacson: wow
Gizelle Lacson: thanks, Joe
Gizelle Lacson: hehehe
Gizelle Lacson: or Dr. Love?
Gizelle Lacson: lol
Vincent Vega: kundi kasi conditional relatiionship niyo
Gizelle Lacson: one more
Vincent Vega: wat>
Gizelle Lacson: please don't laugh at me
Vincent Vega: sure whats up?
Gizelle Lacson: there's this girl kasi na nipagseselosan co
Gizelle Lacson: hehe
Vincent Vega: ha? who?
Vincent Vega: gf nya?
Gizelle Lacson: friend nun guy co
Gizelle Lacson: nope
Vincent Vega: bestfriend?
Gizelle Lacson: not quite
Gizelle Lacson: close friend
Vincent Vega: so what do u want me to do abt it
Gizelle Lacson: and she's pretty
Vincent Vega: okay what?
Gizelle Lacson: you get it?
Gizelle Lacson: no
Gizelle Lacson: 'wag na
Gizelle Lacson: dyahe
Gizelle Lacson: thanks, anyway
Vincent Vega: no serious
Vincent Vega: whats up?
Vincent Vega: im curious na
Vincent Vega: dont be dyahe..
Gizelle Lacson: hehe
Gizelle Lacson: natatawa co sa sarili co
Vincent Vega: game?
Gizelle Lacson: whew
Vincent Vega: okay lang un!
Gizelle Lacson: okie
Vincent Vega: so what?
Gizelle Lacson: aargh
Gizelle Lacson: am I
Vincent Vega: yeah?
Gizelle Lacson: u-g-l-y
Vincent Vega: HAHAHAHAHA
Vincent Vega: of course not!!!!!!!!!
Gizelle Lacson: seryoso aco, dude ha
Vincent Vega: hahahaha
Vincent Vega: yeah im serious too!
Vincent Vega: whered u come up with these insecuritie???
Vincent Vega: dude u are seriously in love
Gizelle Lacson: haha
Gizelle Lacson: you think so?
Vincent Vega: YEAH ANG INSECURE MO KAYA    ------ all caps? sheesh.  Thanks, dude.
Gizelle Lacson: am just really getting insecure lately  ----- and I think I just second the motion! Hahaha.
Gizelle Lacson: haay
Vincent Vega: sinabi mo
Gizelle Lacson: I so like him, eh
Vincent Vega: but ur not ugly...
Gizelle Lacson: haha
Gizelle Lacson: you just boost my confidence
Vincent Vega: besides the guys likes u!
Gizelle Lacson: thanks

I sure have insecurities but it never occurred to me this way until now.  I was happy with the way I dress up, the way my built is and any other details of wanting to be the "wanted girl".  It's right there at the back of my head and that's it.  It's being triggered in times like this - as mentioned above with my conversation with Atty.  How silly can I be? Whew.
I don't really wish to be liked by anyone.  As the old adage goes, "You can't please everyone".  Being the way I am makes me interesting because I am different from anyone else.  And I mean that in general.  Just like everyone else is different from me.  God can really be surprising at times.  How He created us really amazes me.  However, we get to have the same cry in one way or another.  That's how we get to understand each other.  We share the same concerns in different situations and intensity.  But how how we brave them differs again.  Being unique sinks in again.  I wouldn't like to call it a cycle.  We are surrounded with too many options.  How we choose them once again, defines us.

I just realized that it's never an insecurity until you let it eat you.  I guess anyone has heard and read of the fact that we are special in our own way.  I want to reiterate that to myself now no matter how irritating it can be.  I would like to soak myself in this facet of my life but am more than driven to make a change - my perspectives and convictions in life.

 Last night, Pop told me and sorta asking for my approval that he won't spend the night at home the next day.  I knew what he meant by that exactly. I said, "it's fine." He asked me again but this time with a voice pleading for my yes.  That was ironic.  It was like he wanted me to say "yes" with all my heart.  I've learned not to go against my dad's wishes.  Now, is that what you can call a submissive daughter? Haha.

Pop and I used to argue a lot before.  After which, I cry and it's gone as I wipe my tears away.  I feel glad anyhow that I can't last a day without talking to him after a heated argument.  I've always been the kid who's always beside daddy.  But when he remarried and dated lots of women, I thought I lost that spot in his heart.  I can't help but break down when it's about him.  I can cry a river by just merely thinking of what he did.  He had too much share of life's bitter taste.  I feel sorry for him.  I've never felt that he needed me until now.  Nothing compares of having to feel how happy you are with the love of a daughter and a father.  I sure have forgiven my dad for all his shortcomings.  And I can attest to how he values that.

There really is no other love than that of a father.  It's too simple yet overflowing.  A genuine love that is high above anything else.  Something that remains still even if you get to find your other half.  

He's the man I love next from Above.

I could not put into words how nerve-wracking this day was.  Waiting for some licensure exam result isn't much of a joke.  The waiting period really brings me to insanity.  Apart from the fact that I am a glorified bum since December of last year, am going craZy of what this year has to offer.  I wouldn't want to hear comforting lines such as, "you can still take it next time" or probably, "it's not meant for you yet".  I sure would appreciate hearing those but hey, keeping up all-night to study your lessons from the past 4 years is more than enough for me to define how tough it was.  No movie marathon, no parties, no drinking sessions till morning and most of all - no 10 hours and over of sleep.  For whatever a man sows, he will reap, of course.  Nothing defines how depressing it can be if you fail to see your name in the newspaper, though.  Whew.

Anyway, I got a call from a friend this morning that the results will finally come out tonight.  I couldn't move. I was trembling.  I couldn't believe for am pretty sure that being ready isn't in my system just yet.  Too many things cloud my mind if fate becomes my enemy.  I even called my closest friends not to beep or call me if it turns out that I didn't make it.  I felt like I would appreciate not to hear from anyone.  That sounds so lame, I know.  People turn out to be irrational in times like this, I guess.

However, I had to go with my brother to the mall in the afternoon to buy clothes for his prom.  I was trying to compose myself.  I was feeding my mind that it's gonna be alright.  But around late afternoon, I got a message from a friend that it was a mistake.  Geez! I wouldn't say that I was happy to have learned that.  The agony is just being prolonged.  I wish I could choose a way how to find out about the result.  I wouldn't want to hear it from anyone close to me.  I don't like what am having in mind for the moment of truth.

For whatever there is instore for me, I pray that I would have the courage to withstand it.  We all hope for the best of our future.  But at the end of the day, it's how you played the game that matters.  I sure gave my best and am proud of that.  How God will bless me is what excites me now more than anything else.  Not just looking forward for the banner of victory of passing the exam, but on how he will turn things to glory in spite of my failure.

This is actually the 3rd time for me to do my first entry.  I hope to make it this time.  Aargh.  Meralco hasn't been favoring my moves, I guess.  Haha
Anyway, I truthfully do not know what to write about now.  I just have this thing in mind that I HAVE TO post an entry.  I have created this account since last month and I think that sounds lazy.  Geez!  And everytime I try to login, there's this thing that says "You haven't posted an entry yet." And those words eat me a lot.  It really is so ironic that each time I'm half way done for my post, the power system refutes it.  How silly! Whew.
I was even thinking of making this post sounds like, "there is always a first time".  But I guess, I could try to make use of my third time.  But hey, look at this.  I'm actually creating a post now.  Hahaha. =P